I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
You Might Also Like
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Does beer think about me too?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late