Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
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If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.