Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
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My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
The news
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.