Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
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Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries