Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
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Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.