You Might Also Like
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“TGIM!” – My liver
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand