“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
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[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My new favorite headline
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
A man of commitment.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?