I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
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My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone