My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
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Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Breaking news:
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…