My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
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I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time