Not helping
You Might Also Like
the #horror is real!
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.