me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
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I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo