It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
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Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
This could be us but you eatin’
Stop being racist to kettles.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close