most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
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Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
In banana years, I am bread.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.