Me when someone tries to get to know me
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[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
The three genders.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.