Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
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Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.