When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
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I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
He-man has a Masters degree
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time