The glory of fall.
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This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?