sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
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Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.