My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
You Might Also Like
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.