*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
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Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.