SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
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I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”