Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
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Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.