Autocarrot sucks!
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”