*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
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For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]