*controversially pours a glass of milk*
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It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works