him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.