I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
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Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
beware of dog
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.