why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
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[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
*has no idea what a book even is*
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*