[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
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When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.