“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
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I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Discuss
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.