The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
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Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.