Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
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Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*