me the second it drops below 70 degrees
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Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Ah yes. The three genders
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”