oh ffs josh did you not read the email
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Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.