Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.