78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
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HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
when u come home smelling like another dog
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet