Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
You Might Also Like
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Just this preview of the story is enough
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!