I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.