ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Happy Thanksgiving
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.