#Caturday
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the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.