“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
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I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My life in a nutshell
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
🖤✌🏽
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.