Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
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Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.