How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
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[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?