[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
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Mornin. * use accordingly
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I’m not wrong
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.