Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
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*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
notice
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.