Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
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Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I鈥檓 ready for my comeback
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I can鈥檛 lose weight, that鈥檚 where all my fattitude is
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend鈥檚 nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn鈥檛 matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn鈥檛 spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you鈥檒l be driving my car
HR says I鈥檓 not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
getting a nose ring so i don鈥檛 lose my keys
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
McDonald鈥檚 employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald鈥檚 and has never seen the outside world: what?
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 馃憞馃従
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That鈥檚 how I carry my mini babybel.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it鈥檚 obvious my parents didn鈥檛 care either.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.