Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
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“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon