me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I鈥檇 like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
*mops up wine with cat*
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can鈥檛 get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
馃憤
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.