I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
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Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter